Our little boy has arrived!

Omigosh - it has been so long since I posted on this blog!  The last few months of my pregnancy seemed to be a whirlwind of preparations.  Plus, I was pretty tired on a regular basis and admit that my attention to blogging pursuits seemed to wane with my energy.

Landon Thomas arrived via caesarean section on November 9th, 2010, at 3:16 p.m.  He weighed 6 lb 11 oz and was 20 1/4 inches long.  We think he is super cute and are enjoying the heck out of him!!

Sorry - long time, no post!

The last few months have been a whirlwind.  Some major stresses for darling hubby and I - his Dad died, we had some marital stuff crop up, and I spent the first 16 weeks of this pregnancy completely stressed out with fear.

But, things are looking up!  Our baby (a boy!!) is doing great and growing well.  We saw him on ultrasound a few weeks ago and will see him again this coming Monday for a follow-up.  Everything looked fine, we just couldn't get a good look at his little face or heart as well as we'd like.  He'll be much bigger this time and we'll be able to see his cardiac structures in more detail.  I'm hoping my doctor's office has the 3D feature on their ultrasound machine - I'd love to see what his face looks like!

I'm feeling pretty good.  The food and smell aversion thing comes and goes.  I guess it's OK because I really haven't gained any weight through the first 23 weeks - but I was a chunk to start out, so it's not unhealthy to be "net neutral" at this stage.  I started to feel baby kicking and moving in earnest about 2 weeks ago - in fact, he's thumping away in there as I type this.  What an odd and reassuring sensation.  I had bought a small fetal doppler machine (to listen to his heartbeat) back at the 14 week mark and was using it almost daily to soothe my fears.  Now, I only listen every once in a while because I get fairly consistent reminders he's doing okay in there.  :-)

I can't believe there's only about 16 weeks left until he's here.  The first part of this pregnancy seemed to go so slowly, but now it's definitely picking up speed.  Luckily, I don't really have much to do to prepare - his nursery is furnished and decorated and I have some basics set aside in the closet.  I guess as we get closer I'll wash all the little clothes and sheets and blankets and whatnot.

So, stay tuned - we'll keep you up to date on Little Man's progress!

We have some big news. We're Pregnant.

I haven't updated my blog in ages because we've been navigating some unfamiliar territory.  Late in February, I had a positive pregnancy test.  This was entirely unplanned.  In fact, I'd planned on seeing my doctor in March and asking about more permanent methods of birth control.

The next few weeks were extraordinarily stressful for us.  Given my history, we fully anticipated losing this pregnancy at some point before the 7-8 week mark.  By 6 1/2 weeks, my emotions were spent and I broke down and asked my doctor for a beta-hCG level to be drawn.  He gladly agreed and I had the level drawn on a Monday.  Bear in mind that, in all my past pregnancies, I'd never had a beta level greater than 800.  Imagine our surprise the next day when he informed me the level was over 21,000!  I was stunned.  My doctor fit me in for an ultrasound immediately.  Unfortunately, darling hubby was out of town on business and couldn't be with me.

I was a complete wreck at the doctor's office.  It got worse when I saw the ultrasound screen.  There was a yolk sac, a gestational sac, and fetal heartbeat.  I'm pretty sure everyone in the office (not just me) was in tears at the sight of it.  Dr. B was as calm as a Hindu cow and informed me that I was, most certainly, pregnant.  FOR REAL.

The last 8 weeks have been a blur of ultrasounds, an NT scan, nausea, exhaustion, and cautiously telling people here and there.  I am in my second trimeter already and all looks well so far.  Our perinatology specialist's exact words: "I have no reason to believe there is anything but a healthy baby in there."

So, we are slowly working our way through this process.  We told our adoption agency last week and our social worker was ecstatic for us.  Obviously, we are putting our profile on hold.  Assuming all goes well with this little one, we will try to adopt our second child at some point down the road.  I cannot communicate to anyone how surreal this experience has been so far.  The concept of pregnancy and childbirth was something I mourned, grieved and had put to bed for good.  To get to experience this after all is a blessing whose magnitude cannot be put into words.  Of course, we still have a long way to go.

But to invoke a saying I learned on a pregnancy loss message board I frequent, "Today I am pregnant.  And I love my baby."

So blue. . . I'm really struggling right now.

We recently marked 8 months of waiting for a placement and, I have to admit, my hope is rapidly waning.  I've heard so many wonderful stories of matches and placements in the last few weeks, but it's becoming more and more difficult to stay positive.  I'm starting to feel like everyone around us in the adoption world is being chosen, but we are just not worthy.

I hate that a little 25-page book is all that someone will see to make a decision to choose us.  I know our profile has been shown multiple times, but we keep getting passed over.  It just seems like none of the birthparents feel any "connection" to us.  Despite the rave reviews we got on the profile from our agency, our attorney, and other adoptive couples, I still can't shake the feeling that there is something terribly wrong with it - and that's why we're not getting chosen.  But I have no idea what more I could put in it to represent us in a way that's more personal.  Which makes me feel like it's not the profile itself. . . but that no one wants us to parent their baby.

We are rapidly approaching the 1-year mark in our wait.  I am rapidly approaching 37 years of age.  The massive adoption credit still available for 2010 will expire at the end of the year.  I have all these feelings of pressure.  It's as though if this doesn't happen for us this year, it may never happen.  Because I honestly don't know how much more I can tolerate the wait.  We spent 2 full years trying to have a biological child, which almost ruined my marriage and nearly stole my sanity.  Now, I feel like I am right back in the thick of that same despair.  I'm pretty sure that at the 1-year mark I'm going to have to re-evaluate if I can really do this any longer.

My poor husband.  He's so patient and kind.  Sometimes I feel like him staying with me may rob him of any chance he has at being a father.  My guilt over this, coupled with my grief over not having a child is absolutely crippling some days. 

Ughh.  I know that this, too, shall pass.  If God intends for us to be parents, He will make that happen for us.  It is just so hard to surrender this hugely important part of our lives to someone else.

7 months. . .

No baby yet.  Boo.

We touched base with our attorney to find out if it was legal or advisable to do a little self-marketing with business cards and letters to some local OBGYN offices.  It sounds like this is definitely an option, so I'll try to get working on this in the next few weeks.  He has situations come across his desk pretty routinely - but since they are outside our agency, it would mean significantly higher costs.  At this point, I think we'll trust that Bethany will have a placement for us in the next 6 months or so.  If we get to the one-year mark and have to redo our homestudy, maybe we'll expand our options and be willing to risk the higher costs.

As many of you (who know me well) can imagine, passing these long months with patience is not my strong suit.  My inclinations to spend money and take on projects are legendary and this past month is no different.  My latest endeavor?  A brand new car!!!  Darling husband decided that he is not interested in spending another snowstorm with our lovely, but not all-wheel-drive, Toyota Avalon and has given me permission to divest ourselves of this particular asset.  In exchange, I'm buying a very beautiful Lexus RX 350 - pretty much the Mommy dream car.  How lucky am I????  The new wheels are on the way from California and should be here in the next week or so.  Our broker gave us an excellent trade-in value on the Avalon, so the transition should be pretty painless.

Hopefully, the smell of freshly sewn, semi-aniline leather in my new ride will quell my agitation over our ongoing wait to become parents.