We recently marked 8 months of waiting for a placement and, I have to admit, my hope is rapidly waning. I've heard so many wonderful stories of matches and placements in the last few weeks, but it's becoming more and more difficult to stay positive. I'm starting to feel like everyone around us in the adoption world is being chosen, but we are just not worthy.
I hate that a little 25-page book is all that someone will see to make a decision to choose us. I know our profile has been shown multiple times, but we keep getting passed over. It just seems like none of the birthparents feel any "connection" to us. Despite the rave reviews we got on the profile from our agency, our attorney, and other adoptive couples, I still can't shake the feeling that there is something terribly wrong with it - and that's why we're not getting chosen. But I have no idea what more I could put in it to represent us in a way that's more personal. Which makes me feel like it's not the profile itself. . . but that no one wants us to parent their baby.
We are rapidly approaching the 1-year mark in our wait. I am rapidly approaching 37 years of age. The massive adoption credit still available for 2010 will expire at the end of the year. I have all these feelings of pressure. It's as though if this doesn't happen for us this year, it may never happen. Because I honestly don't know how much more I can tolerate the wait. We spent 2 full years trying to have a biological child, which almost ruined my marriage and nearly stole my sanity. Now, I feel like I am right back in the thick of that same despair. I'm pretty sure that at the 1-year mark I'm going to have to re-evaluate if I can really do this any longer.
My poor husband. He's so patient and kind. Sometimes I feel like him staying with me may rob him of any chance he has at being a father. My guilt over this, coupled with my grief over not having a child is absolutely crippling some days.
Ughh. I know that this, too, shall pass. If God intends for us to be parents, He will make that happen for us. It is just so hard to surrender this hugely important part of our lives to someone else.
2024: Year in Review
3 months ago
I'm sorry it's been so hard lately. I understand it being hard to "let go" and "surrender" like you said. I felt that as long as I was doing things to prepare, I was being proactive -- you could send out letters to family and friends (or community members) letting them know of your desire to adopt; you could go to "waiting family" meetings; you could seek out an adoption support group; you could continue to work on your little one's nursery (unless you aren't comfortable with that); you could read up more on adoption topics...
ReplyDeleteI guess some of those things helped me as we were going through the process. Hope things get better.
I know we don't "know" each other, but I'm guessing that your husband is with you because he loves you. Not because he could have a child with you. Have you talked about how you have been feeling guilty about it with him? Maybe that would help and he would know the level of pain/grief that you're feeling right now.
Hugs...
Waiting is extremely frustrating, and feels hopeless especially when people all around you (seems that way) is pregnant, announcing pregnancy, or delivering. Wendy's advice about an adoption support group is awesome. We have been in one for four years. No one else, gets the joy and heartache of adoption like the members in your group. You are not alone!
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to check in on you and see how you're doing....hope you're okay.
ReplyDeleteI Hope your waiting ends soon ,you will be in my thoughts n prayers
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