So blue. . . I'm really struggling right now.

We recently marked 8 months of waiting for a placement and, I have to admit, my hope is rapidly waning.  I've heard so many wonderful stories of matches and placements in the last few weeks, but it's becoming more and more difficult to stay positive.  I'm starting to feel like everyone around us in the adoption world is being chosen, but we are just not worthy.

I hate that a little 25-page book is all that someone will see to make a decision to choose us.  I know our profile has been shown multiple times, but we keep getting passed over.  It just seems like none of the birthparents feel any "connection" to us.  Despite the rave reviews we got on the profile from our agency, our attorney, and other adoptive couples, I still can't shake the feeling that there is something terribly wrong with it - and that's why we're not getting chosen.  But I have no idea what more I could put in it to represent us in a way that's more personal.  Which makes me feel like it's not the profile itself. . . but that no one wants us to parent their baby.

We are rapidly approaching the 1-year mark in our wait.  I am rapidly approaching 37 years of age.  The massive adoption credit still available for 2010 will expire at the end of the year.  I have all these feelings of pressure.  It's as though if this doesn't happen for us this year, it may never happen.  Because I honestly don't know how much more I can tolerate the wait.  We spent 2 full years trying to have a biological child, which almost ruined my marriage and nearly stole my sanity.  Now, I feel like I am right back in the thick of that same despair.  I'm pretty sure that at the 1-year mark I'm going to have to re-evaluate if I can really do this any longer.

My poor husband.  He's so patient and kind.  Sometimes I feel like him staying with me may rob him of any chance he has at being a father.  My guilt over this, coupled with my grief over not having a child is absolutely crippling some days. 

Ughh.  I know that this, too, shall pass.  If God intends for us to be parents, He will make that happen for us.  It is just so hard to surrender this hugely important part of our lives to someone else.