So blue. . . I'm really struggling right now.

We recently marked 8 months of waiting for a placement and, I have to admit, my hope is rapidly waning.  I've heard so many wonderful stories of matches and placements in the last few weeks, but it's becoming more and more difficult to stay positive.  I'm starting to feel like everyone around us in the adoption world is being chosen, but we are just not worthy.

I hate that a little 25-page book is all that someone will see to make a decision to choose us.  I know our profile has been shown multiple times, but we keep getting passed over.  It just seems like none of the birthparents feel any "connection" to us.  Despite the rave reviews we got on the profile from our agency, our attorney, and other adoptive couples, I still can't shake the feeling that there is something terribly wrong with it - and that's why we're not getting chosen.  But I have no idea what more I could put in it to represent us in a way that's more personal.  Which makes me feel like it's not the profile itself. . . but that no one wants us to parent their baby.

We are rapidly approaching the 1-year mark in our wait.  I am rapidly approaching 37 years of age.  The massive adoption credit still available for 2010 will expire at the end of the year.  I have all these feelings of pressure.  It's as though if this doesn't happen for us this year, it may never happen.  Because I honestly don't know how much more I can tolerate the wait.  We spent 2 full years trying to have a biological child, which almost ruined my marriage and nearly stole my sanity.  Now, I feel like I am right back in the thick of that same despair.  I'm pretty sure that at the 1-year mark I'm going to have to re-evaluate if I can really do this any longer.

My poor husband.  He's so patient and kind.  Sometimes I feel like him staying with me may rob him of any chance he has at being a father.  My guilt over this, coupled with my grief over not having a child is absolutely crippling some days. 

Ughh.  I know that this, too, shall pass.  If God intends for us to be parents, He will make that happen for us.  It is just so hard to surrender this hugely important part of our lives to someone else.

7 months. . .

No baby yet.  Boo.

We touched base with our attorney to find out if it was legal or advisable to do a little self-marketing with business cards and letters to some local OBGYN offices.  It sounds like this is definitely an option, so I'll try to get working on this in the next few weeks.  He has situations come across his desk pretty routinely - but since they are outside our agency, it would mean significantly higher costs.  At this point, I think we'll trust that Bethany will have a placement for us in the next 6 months or so.  If we get to the one-year mark and have to redo our homestudy, maybe we'll expand our options and be willing to risk the higher costs.

As many of you (who know me well) can imagine, passing these long months with patience is not my strong suit.  My inclinations to spend money and take on projects are legendary and this past month is no different.  My latest endeavor?  A brand new car!!!  Darling husband decided that he is not interested in spending another snowstorm with our lovely, but not all-wheel-drive, Toyota Avalon and has given me permission to divest ourselves of this particular asset.  In exchange, I'm buying a very beautiful Lexus RX 350 - pretty much the Mommy dream car.  How lucky am I????  The new wheels are on the way from California and should be here in the next week or so.  Our broker gave us an excellent trade-in value on the Avalon, so the transition should be pretty painless.

Hopefully, the smell of freshly sewn, semi-aniline leather in my new ride will quell my agitation over our ongoing wait to become parents.

6 months and counting. . .

This week marked 6 months of waiting for a placement.  Interestingly, it has gone very quickly. . . and very slowly at the same time.  We've had our profile shown a few times, but no luck yet in getting chosen.  I guess I'd really been hoping that we'd have a placement by the holidays, but 2010 is much more realistic. 

In some ways, the wait is fine.  We just paid off our Ford Expedition and I'm chipping away steadily at some credit card debt (wow, that trip to Europe last year was really expensive!), so I'm sure that this time to ourselves is all part of God's plan.  I try to focus on how much we are getting done and how well-prepared we'll be once a baby joins our family.  But, it's also difficult to see friends, coworkers, and acquaintances add second and third children to their families - in the same amount of time since we've been trying to become parents.

The holidays are passing uneventfully for us.  Darling husband and I are eating at some restaurants we've been wanting to try and seeing lots of movies.  We didn't put up a tree or any lights or decorations this year.  We just didn't seem to have the desire to make time for it.  Maybe once we have a child, it will be more important.  This year we spent our time at church, praying and hanging out together instead.  My folks are in Denver for a few days to visit us and we also got to take my father-in-law out to dinner this weekend - but, overall, this holiday season seemed like any other winter week to us.

I haven't been posting a lot lately, mostly because I don't have much to write about.  But for those who follow and read, thanks for your interest!

National Adoption Awareness Month

November is National Adoption Awareness Month. 

If you'd like more information on how to foster or adopt a child, please see the links on the right side of this page.  The Dave Thomas Foundation has excellent information on how your family can help a child waiting for a home.  Here are some facts about foster care:

•Children enter the foster care system through no fault of their own. As victims of abuse, neglect and/or abandonment, they are removed from their home because their birth family is unable or unwilling to provide a safe environment for them.

•More than 129,000 children in the U.S. foster care system are available for adoption. Their parent’s legal rights have been permanently terminated and children are left without a family.

•Children often wait five or more years to be adopted, can move three or more times in foster care and are frequently separated from siblings. More than half of these children are nine years of age or older.

•Each year, more than 20,000 children available for adoption turn 18 and leave the foster care system without a family.

•Adopting from foster care is affordable. Most child welfare agencies cover the costs of home studies and court fees, and provide post-adoption subsidies. Thousands of employers offer benefits for employees who adopt and adoption tax credits are available to most families.

•Every child is adoptable. Many children in foster care have special needs. All of them deserve the change to grow up in a safe, loving, permanent home. Post-adoption resources are available.

•Adopting from foster care is permanent. Once a child is adopted out of foster care, the birth parents cannot attempt to claim them or fight in court for their return.
 

Every child deserves a family.

4 months. . .

I haven't posted in a while since there's been no real activity on the adoption front.  But that doesn't mean I've been up to nuthin'!!

Just got back from a week-long beach getaway to Siesta Key, Florida, with my crazy Korean friend S.  She is such a trip to travel with!  We don't get to see each other too often as she lives in Phoenix, but we try to travel somewhere once a year.  Siesta Key was adorable.  It's a little island off the coast near Sarasota and has this cool, "tucked away" feel.  Once you cross the bridge, it's like being on a little tropical island.  You can practically hear the Jimmy Buffett soundtrack in the background!  We ate lots of fish and Indian food (they actually had a really good Indian place right over the bridge) and sat on the beach.  It was so nice to get away for a little bit.

I'm also the proud (addicted) owner of a new iPhone 3Gs!  I can't believe I lived without his thing for so long!!!  The apps are so cool and the e-mail features are highly functional.  This device is just light-years beyond my trusty old Sidekick.  I felt bad leaving T-Mobile after 10+ years, but their hardware just doesn't compete.  I'm practically attached to the thing!  It actually came in handy in FL because the Google Maps and Yelp app made it so easy to find restaurants and shops.

I also just installed a new, 500GB, external hard drive I picked up at Costco for $69.  My old hard drive is starting to sound wheezy and doesn't always connect on start-up, so I'm trying to prevent data-loss heartbreak before it happens.  With all this technology, I feel soooo 21st century!!

My lust for all things baby and nursery seems to have died off kind of suddenly.  The nursery is almost done - I'm just waiting for the nightstand, which got held up in shipping, to arrive sometime this week or next.  Once that's in, I'll put down the little shag rug I got for the room and we'll be done.  I have a small handful of items left on the stockpile list, but nothing I need immediately.  I am, however, lusting for two other things!  I really would like a new camera, as our old Kodak digital is pathetic.  I think the iPhone actually has a better camera on it.  I'd lurrrve a digital SLR, but they are so expensive!!  Costco has some nice packages, and I'm hoping prices will come down before Christmas.  My other wishlist item is an adapter for the iPhone for my car.  I don't really want a new stereo deck, just one of those adapters that allows you to plug the phone in to an auxiliary jack on the system. 

Can you tell I'm addicted to the iPhone??????